Dear Psychosis, My Struggle with Medicine

 

Dear Psychosis, 

     My struggle with medicine has been a rough one. When you have paranoia it's hard to trust people and it feels like there's something constantly watching you. You worry that someone is tampering with the meds that are suppose to change your brain up. I especially have a hard time taking capsules. After all, those can be cracked open and have things place inside. I mean, what if someone wants to track me, poison me or have control over my mind. I take Caplyta, which is a great drug. But it's a HUGE capsule! 

    This is where my coping skills come into play. I have to listen to my pills, which I know sounds odd. I put the pill up to my ear and shake it. If it makes any kind of noise at all I have to crack it open and put it over peanut butter. Some people would say this isn't a great coping skill, but I have talked to my therapist about this. She says if it gets me to take my meds she doesn't see anything wrong with it. 

    I've been taking my medicine for a while now and listening to my pills has gotten easier. I rarely do it. But here's my next problem: when I'm feeling good and have been doing ok I think I don't need my medicine anymore. After all, it has healed me and I no longer have psychosis. I have heard of many people that think this way. The fact is that my psychosis will never go away no matter how badly I want it too.

The reason I stick with my medicine is I have a loving family that would lasso the moon if I needed it. I also have my sweet daughter. I want to be the best mother to her. I want to be a good wife to my husband. When I'm having a severe episode of psychosis, I'm no good to anyone. It's scary not only for me, but for the people around me. I also have to think of myself. Selfcare is important for anyone to maintain good mental health. Selfcare can be anything from taking a walk, getting a manicure, reading a good book, etc... But for me, selfcare is taking my medicine. I feel good taking my medicine. Although some symptoms are still there, they are way less intense and much more manageable. I can be in touch with reality and it makes my mind clearer.

"Medicine is not only a science; it is also an art. It does not consist of compounding pills and plasters; it deals with the very processes of life, which must be understood before they may be guided." - Paracelsus