Dear Psychosis, I hide it well

Dear Psychosis,

    I hide it well... Most people would never know I have psychosis. I hide my symptoms. Lots of smiling, having normal conversation, playing games and attending different activities with friends and family. I try very hard to not be detected, trying to not stand out or be odd. Of course, there are tell-tale signs: The nervous rocking, the shifty eyes, the staring into mirrors for too long, the zoning out. I don't constantly do these things. My meds help me to be "normal". My people tell me they can see a difference in me. What is normal? I can remember when things were "normal". When I could hang out with friends and laugh and cut up without the shadows watching or the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough. I could pay attention at church, I could listen to friends telling funny stories and not completely miss the punch line because I lost concentration. I used to have the best memory, now I can't remember things from room to room. I remember not having to work hard to just be around people. 

    My whole personality has changed. I'm not the same person. I have emotions, but sometimes they are hard to express. I'm not the same woman my husband married. I'm not the same sibling my sisters grew up with. My friends see a difference in me. I hide my symptoms because it's hard to face the truth. It's a constant battle within myself. What would people think of me? I'm not saying I don't have good days, because I definitely do. I have days where I don't see, hear, or smell things. Paranoia is always there, but some days it's less overwhelming. But I hide it. 

    Hiding can be exhausting, why can't I just be real? This disease is a part of me, isn't? Oh, the looks I would get, the things that would be said of me, the kid gloves I would be treated with. Am I caring too much about what others think? I just want my dignity. I don't want to be used in the wrong ways. Will my employer not want me working with them anymore? 

    The fact is I don't have to tell anyone if I don't want to. No one has to know what I'm going through. Hiding can be exhausting, but it can also make me feel safe. My biggest fear is that someone is going to use my disease against me, that I'll get taken advantage of or that people won't take my words as truth. "Oh that just that crazy person,' 'They are out of their mind,' 'They've been in the looney bin,' 'They aren't all with it". I hide it well because people are ridiculous sometimes. 

    I've learned to hide things and joke about some of it. When you feel like people are reading your mind, you would just be extra silly or very quiet. My symptoms are all around me so pretending they're not there can be difficult, but I'm more scared of the things people will think of me then the things I'm seeing or hearing. I know I shouldn't care about what others think of me, but the fact is I definitely do. I was raised to be the example others needed. How can I be a great example if I have so many things going on in my head? It's one reason I started this blog, because I want to be the light when someone is fighting some of the darkness that I struggle with daily. But I still hide for the most part.

Sit up straight and tall

Don't let your head hang low

Don't shift your eyes

Always make eye contact

Think good thoughts 

Don't get upset 

Be the "Good" example

Carry a conversation well

Don't zone out

Just keep Smiling you've got this...

 

Dear Psychosis, Things I'm Thankful for...

Dear Psychosis,

Things my psychosis makes me thankful for…

• Good medicines 

• Doctors/Nurse Practitioners that listen and help

• An amazing group of people who love me 

• Therapists

• Selfcare

• Prayer

• Meditation

• Coping skills

• Spreading awareness 

• Getting to know others with my same struggles

• Blogging 

• A wonderful job that works with me and my condition

I am abundantly blessed. I thank God for all of my blessings, especially throughout the past few years. Times have been hard, but things eventually always look up. I hope you hug your families a little tighter, enjoy your friends just a bit more, and always hold onto the hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. This world needs us in it.

Dear Psychosis, What's it like being a Mother

 Dear Psychosis,

    So what's it like being a mother to a 6-year-old while dealing with psychosis? When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know how I was going to be the mother that my daughter needed. How would I take care of my child when I could barely take care of myself? Was my husband going to feel like a single dad? Would my daughter find me odd? Would I do something that regretful that she would never forgive me for? Would I scare her? What would she tell her friends? So many questions have passed through my mind. I care so much for my daughter that I want to protect her from everything. I'm learning I can't protect her from everything, but I can certainly do my best.

    We have decided we are waiting to tell my daughter what is going on. At this point in life, she just wouldn't understand. We don't want her worrying about something she has no control over. When I'm in a deep episode we (my husband) just tell her that mommy is sick. I have had to spend time in the hospital getting meds changed and fine-tuned. We just told her that mommy had to go to the hospital so doctors could make sure I wasn't sick anymore. I remember after getting out that we went to a school field day to watch my daughter compete. Her teacher came up to me and asked how I was feeling and that my daughter had told her that I was in the hospital. I was so embarrassed to know that I made my daughter worry so much that she mentioned it to her teacher. Of course, the teacher didn't know why I had been in the hospital and was just asking out of concern. I smiled and said I was doing much better. I just want to keep my daughter's innocents for as long as I can.

    Sometimes my symptoms get in the way. I hear and see things that aren't really there, which can make things confusing for me and her. I can hear my daughter saying things to me sometimes. When I answer or ask what she said she normally says "what mom? I didn't say anything." Sometimes I've seen her quickly run pass me, and I'll ask "What are you doing?" She'll be in the opposite end of the house. I've struggled with this because one day she will realize what is happening. I've talked to my therapist about this because sometimes thoughts like this consume me. My therapist just reminds me that I'm going to have good and bad days. That the people around me will understand because I have such a good support system. I don't want my daughter to be a part of my "support" system. She's still young, without a care in the world. I want her to know the love I have for her, that she will always be my baby. That I keep her safe and warm forever. I never want her to be sad because of me and my situation. 

    Parenting is already so hard. We all just want to make the best decisions for our children. We want them to have good morals, have hearts full of compassion, to be strong and independent people. I don't want my child to struggle with mental health challenges because I have. I don't want to cause any kind of childhood trauma because I wasn't a good mother.

    I have to take it day by day. I am never going to be the perfect mom. The cookie cutter mother is a mold I will never fit into. But I can strive to be the best mom that I can possibly be. I want my daughter to be able to come talk to me anytime she needs anything. I will always be here for her. Sometimes it just comes down to playing a game, reading books before bed, or being quiet and letting her talk. We will eventually have to face challenges, but we will be facing them together as a family. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Some things are going to be hard. My daughter will always know I support her to the moon, that I will always love her with every fiber of my being, and that we will always work things out. 

"Motherhood is... difficult and... rewarding."

-Gloria Estefan

Dear Psychosis, This is how I cope

Dear Psychosis,

    This is how I cope... First, I want to begin by saying that there can be negative and positive ways to cope with what's going on. Some examples of negative coping skills maybe smoking or vaping, self-harm, taking it out on others, or trying to run away from the problem. Some positive examples can be going for a walk, listening to music, meditation, deep breathing, or grounding yourself. Coping is basically the collection of thoughts and behaviors we use to manage the stressful situations in our lives. If we can't help ourselves, it makes it really hard to function from day to day. Healthy coping skills not only help alleviate the symptoms of psychosis, but they can also keep your overall mental health in check. I suffer from severe anxiety and sometimes I just need to take a minute to breathe. Coping comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm here to tell you about how I cope with psychosis.

    Psychosis can cause MANY different symptoms. I'm just going to talk about how I cope with my symptoms.

    Hallucinations: I hear and see thing that are not really there. Because I have Insight, for the most part I know that those things are not real, but sometimes it's hard to tell my symptoms from reality. This is where my positive coping skills come into play. For example, I see bugs. Normally when I see said bugs, they are funny colors or maybe translucent looking so I can tell right away they aren't real. But sometimes they look very, very real. That's when I "question" the people around me by saying "hey did you see that spider?" "Is there a bug crawling right there?" I also do this when I hear things. Most of the time I hear babies crying, radio static, or a cat meowing (and yes, that last one is very annoying). I cope by checking with others around me. I also cope by listening to music or an audio book through my ear buds. Sometimes I just need to drown out the noise.

    Sometimes I cope with these things in a negative way. When I feel overwhelmed by these things I just need to smoke or vape and it instantly calms me down. Of course, I know that this isn't healthy, and I shouldn't do it. I have also used self-harm to cope before. This one is hard to talk about. I used self-harm as a release from my struggle and pain. I didn't do it to kill myself. It was not an attention seeking thing. Actually, it was very private and no one really knew about it. I did it to hidden places on my body that no one would see. Coping with things can be hard, and we don't always cope using the healthiest methods. Most people are just trying to make the chaos stop.

    Paranoia: Yes, I have paranoia. It's a harder symptom for me to cope with. Examples of my paranoia include feeling like people can read my mind and feeling like things are constantly watching me. I feel like this is a more difficult topic for me to cope with. I don't feel like I can check in with others. I think it would be odd if I asked "hey are you reading my mind?" or "is that a camera in that vent?" This is when I wiggle my ears... Yes I know that sounds odd, but when I wiggle them, it feels like I'm cutting off any interaction with what is watching me and reading my mind. Coping can be weird sometimes. I am well aware these things are not possible, but to me it still feels very real. It's also very hard to be in a crowd for very long because it makes me feel overwhelmed. Thinking that hundreds of people can read your mind at all times can be exhausting. I have to think good thoughts constantly, nothing negative or insulting. I cope with this by simply stepping away. "Peopling" is hard when you think all eyes are on you, but by stepping away I can breathe for a moment. Ground myself back to reality. Sometimes I have to be my own coping skill. I have to talk myself down and remember what is real.

    The Smells: Have you ever had a smell stuck in your nose that just won't go away? I definitely have! Sometimes it's marijuana (no I don't smoke it), old lady perfume, garbage, or fingernail polish. I don't have to be around these things to smell them, they just show up! I cope with it by trying to smell other smells such as my diffuser filled with essential oils, aromatherapy sticks, burning incense, baking something that smells yummy, going outside for some the fresh air, etc. 

    Coping can come in many different shapes and forms. I just do my best to keep myself grounded. Reality can be hard sometimes living with psychosis. Figuring out healthy ways to deal with your symptoms makes your life much easier. I have been doing therapy for a while now and we talk about coping a lot. We work through hard topics. Coping the positive way sometimes doesn't always come easy. My psychosis doesn't define me, it's not who I am. I choose to deal with my psychosis in positive ways, because I know it makes my world better.

Here's a good Grounding technique:

Works with all of your senses:

(Take deep breathes)

Sight: Pick 5 things you can see

Touch : Pick 4 things you can touch

Hear: Pick 3 things you can hear

Smell: Pick 2 things you can smell

Taste: Pick 1 thing you can taste

 

Dear Psychosis, We aren't all monsters

 Dear Psychosis,

    We aren't all monsters. People with psychosis get a bad rap. When some people think about certain mental disorders, they expect to see someone inside a padded room strapped into a straitjacket and completely out of their mind. I know people think this way, because this is how I also used to think. I've struggled with letting that stigma go in my head. How will people perceive me? Are they thinking about what I'm going to do next, or maybe wondering if I'm hearing or seeing something right now? Or are they wondering if I'm going to harm myself or others? I want to tell them that yes, there are some people experiencing a psychotic episode who can't grasp reality in the moment. This can be very scary, and these people just need help. 

When I first got my diagnosis, I thought I was a freak. I was worried about what my family would do. Would I be treated with kid gloves from now on? I was also worried that people would think I wasn't fit to be the mother my daughter needs. I think this thought was heavier at the time than I could really handle. How would I be a good wife? I mean, we said through sickness and health, but is that how it really works? Would my husband love me less? I felt as if I had a sign around my neck that said "handle with caution and don't look it in the eyes". I can definitely see why people don't fully understand what psychosis really is. It can be very scary, but we are just people who need a little extra love and understanding. We don't need to be hidden away like the Phantom of the Opera.

Oh man, I have had my moments! When you're interacting with someone in the middle of a severe episode of psychosis, it's scary for not only them, but for everyone around them as well. So how can I be helpful? Ask for professional, medical help. I know in some cases, the person might be resistant, because of paranoia or the voices in their head telling them they shouldn't get help. I personally struggle with taking medicine, so I completely understand this can be hard. Through therapy and learning healthy coping skills, I have gotten a lot better about this.

We can't just be thrown away. I have heard people say that suffering from a mental illness is like being addicted to a drug and that we will only hurt our loved ones over and over again. That we will always go back to being out of touch with reality. That really bothered me, because I didn't ask to take psychosis on. It was simply part of the hand that was dealt to me. We don't strive to hurt others; we honestly think what we do while in psychosis is based in reality. 

Some of us even have insight. When I am not deep into an episode of psychosis, I have insight. I know that what I'm seeing isn't real. I know my paranoia isn't possible because that's not "reality". If I ever question anything, I just ask the people I'm with questions like "do you smell that? Do hear that? Did you see that?" That's one of my coping skills.

I have come to realize that I'm not a monster. Do I have extremely bad days? Absolutely. Can I cause harm to myself or others? Most definitely. That's when I need my community the most. It's ok to ask for help and not feel like a freak doing so. We are not as big and bad as most people think, we shouldn't be thrown out like trash. Please don't give up on us, we are not MONSTERS.