Dear Psychosis, The Hard Days

 

Dear Psychosis,

    Some days are just plain stinky. You just never know when symptoms are going to pop up. Normally, I have some triggers such as stress, lack of sleep, missing my medicine, and some days are just not good.

    I hate having bad days (let's be honest, who likes a bad day?). We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. When I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, my symptoms are stronger. For example, I was camping with my Father-in-law one weekend while we were attending a festival. One night I got uncomfortable sleeping in my tent, so I decided to sleep in the car in the passenger seat. I was so tired and my paranoia was super bad. I felt like someone was watching our campsite. I thought they wanted to get into the car with me. I was terrified, so I laid still and quiet hoping I wouldn't be seen. While I was sitting there, I could see these giant shadow figures walking through the woods. I was very panicky deep down and I knew it wasn't possible, but it felt so real. I needed help, so I called my father-in-law who was in a tent just 10 feet away from the car. He didn't pick up because he was sleeping. I was too scared to get out of the car and wake him up. I had to lay there all night scared and not knowing when theses hallucinations would go away. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up, I felt better (but still having some symptoms). My father-in-law asked if I was ok, and I told him what had happened.

    I wish it would go away. This burden is sometime too hard to handle. I get in my own head. It doesn't help I have voices telling me mean things. The voices come and go. Sometimes it's a baby crying, or maybe a cat meowing, or my husband telling me to do things around the house. Sometimes I hear my name being called. I literally feel exhausted when all this happens. My brain is tired and my body just wants to do nothing. 

Stop the shadows that wrap themselves around me and consume my every being

the shadows start singing 

beautiful songs some might say

but to me they are scaring my thoughts away

I can't stop running

I'm hiding 

the shadows are seeking me

all I can do is plea with them to let me be

On the outside I'm calm, cool, and collected

Masking my fear 

I'm all smiles while they are whispering in my ear

my village surrounds me like a force 

they say everything is ok

How do they know 

are they in my mind

watching all eyes on me 

not only am I running from the shadows 

I am now running from the very people take care of me 

Why can't I just see what people see in me

instead I put more pills in my body

praying the chaos to stop

I need that peace

time stands still

will it be a good day or bad

I seem to make everyone around me sad

So I hide 

put myself away

while working on the hard days