Dear Psychosis, I hide it well

Dear Psychosis,

    I hide it well... Most people would never know I have psychosis. I hide my symptoms. Lots of smiling, having normal conversation, playing games and attending different activities with friends and family. I try very hard to not be detected, trying to not stand out or be odd. Of course, there are tell-tale signs: The nervous rocking, the shifty eyes, the staring into mirrors for too long, the zoning out. I don't constantly do these things. My meds help me to be "normal". My people tell me they can see a difference in me. What is normal? I can remember when things were "normal". When I could hang out with friends and laugh and cut up without the shadows watching or the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough. I could pay attention at church, I could listen to friends telling funny stories and not completely miss the punch line because I lost concentration. I used to have the best memory, now I can't remember things from room to room. I remember not having to work hard to just be around people. 

    My whole personality has changed. I'm not the same person. I have emotions, but sometimes they are hard to express. I'm not the same woman my husband married. I'm not the same sibling my sisters grew up with. My friends see a difference in me. I hide my symptoms because it's hard to face the truth. It's a constant battle within myself. What would people think of me? I'm not saying I don't have good days, because I definitely do. I have days where I don't see, hear, or smell things. Paranoia is always there, but some days it's less overwhelming. But I hide it. 

    Hiding can be exhausting, why can't I just be real? This disease is a part of me, isn't? Oh, the looks I would get, the things that would be said of me, the kid gloves I would be treated with. Am I caring too much about what others think? I just want my dignity. I don't want to be used in the wrong ways. Will my employer not want me working with them anymore? 

    The fact is I don't have to tell anyone if I don't want to. No one has to know what I'm going through. Hiding can be exhausting, but it can also make me feel safe. My biggest fear is that someone is going to use my disease against me, that I'll get taken advantage of or that people won't take my words as truth. "Oh that just that crazy person,' 'They are out of their mind,' 'They've been in the looney bin,' 'They aren't all with it". I hide it well because people are ridiculous sometimes. 

    I've learned to hide things and joke about some of it. When you feel like people are reading your mind, you would just be extra silly or very quiet. My symptoms are all around me so pretending they're not there can be difficult, but I'm more scared of the things people will think of me then the things I'm seeing or hearing. I know I shouldn't care about what others think of me, but the fact is I definitely do. I was raised to be the example others needed. How can I be a great example if I have so many things going on in my head? It's one reason I started this blog, because I want to be the light when someone is fighting some of the darkness that I struggle with daily. But I still hide for the most part.

Sit up straight and tall

Don't let your head hang low

Don't shift your eyes

Always make eye contact

Think good thoughts 

Don't get upset 

Be the "Good" example

Carry a conversation well

Don't zone out

Just keep Smiling you've got this...