Dear Psychosis,
So what's it like being a mother to a 6-year-old while dealing with psychosis? When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know how I was going to be the mother that my daughter needed. How would I take care of my child when I could barely take care of myself? Was my husband going to feel like a single dad? Would my daughter find me odd? Would I do something that regretful that she would never forgive me for? Would I scare her? What would she tell her friends? So many questions have passed through my mind. I care so much for my daughter that I want to protect her from everything. I'm learning I can't protect her from everything, but I can certainly do my best.
We have decided we are waiting to tell my daughter what is going on. At this point in life, she just wouldn't understand. We don't want her worrying about something she has no control over. When I'm in a deep episode we (my husband) just tell her that mommy is sick. I have had to spend time in the hospital getting meds changed and fine-tuned. We just told her that mommy had to go to the hospital so doctors could make sure I wasn't sick anymore. I remember after getting out that we went to a school field day to watch my daughter compete. Her teacher came up to me and asked how I was feeling and that my daughter had told her that I was in the hospital. I was so embarrassed to know that I made my daughter worry so much that she mentioned it to her teacher. Of course, the teacher didn't know why I had been in the hospital and was just asking out of concern. I smiled and said I was doing much better. I just want to keep my daughter's innocents for as long as I can.
Sometimes my symptoms get in the way. I hear and see things that aren't really there, which can make things confusing for me and her. I can hear my daughter saying things to me sometimes. When I answer or ask what she said she normally says "what mom? I didn't say anything." Sometimes I've seen her quickly run pass me, and I'll ask "What are you doing?" She'll be in the opposite end of the house. I've struggled with this because one day she will realize what is happening. I've talked to my therapist about this because sometimes thoughts like this consume me. My therapist just reminds me that I'm going to have good and bad days. That the people around me will understand because I have such a good support system. I don't want my daughter to be a part of my "support" system. She's still young, without a care in the world. I want her to know the love I have for her, that she will always be my baby. That I keep her safe and warm forever. I never want her to be sad because of me and my situation.
Parenting is already so hard. We all just want to make the best decisions for our children. We want them to have good morals, have hearts full of compassion, to be strong and independent people. I don't want my child to struggle with mental health challenges because I have. I don't want to cause any kind of childhood trauma because I wasn't a good mother.
I have to take it day by day. I am never going to be the perfect mom. The cookie cutter mother is a mold I will never fit into. But I can strive to be the best mom that I can possibly be. I want my daughter to be able to come talk to me anytime she needs anything. I will always be here for her. Sometimes it just comes down to playing a game, reading books before bed, or being quiet and letting her talk. We will eventually have to face challenges, but we will be facing them together as a family. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Some things are going to be hard. My daughter will always know I support her to the moon, that I will always love her with every fiber of my being, and that we will always work things out.
"Motherhood is... difficult and... rewarding."
No comments:
Post a Comment