Dear Psychosis, You don't define me

 

Dear Psychosis,

    You don't define me...

Ever feel like the situations you find yourself in basically define who you are (like being a stay-at-home mom, or Johnny's big brother, or a preacher's kid), when really, you are so much more than that? That you are something completely different once people get to know you? I feel this way with psychosis sometimes. I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, there's the girl who sees things." I want people to love my personality and the positive parts that make me a real human being. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I can be funny, caring, kind, and yes, sometimes a little weird.

    People with psychosis struggle enough just trying to be part of society. It's hard when you experience things that other people don't (this is why it's important to talk about these things). We all deal with things that others might find odd or not normal. For example, someone might drive the ugliest car that is barely being held together with duct tape. But that doesn't define them. People don't say there's the person who drives that ugly car. 

    Is Psychosis a part of me? Unfortunately, yes, it is. I wish I could say it's going away any day now. Psychosis just plain sucks sometimes. But I don't want it to take over my life. I feel like this is where counting my blessings comes in. Looking to what has made me stronger and what I'm thankful for. "How can you be thankful for Psychosis?" The fact is, I'm NOT thankful for psychosis, but it has taught me many things and continues to educate me. A few of the things that psychosis has taught me include the fact it's ok to take a break, that stepping away is not a big deal, that selfcare is very important, that the people who surround me are my true friends who love me very much, that honesty is so important, and that patience is humbling. I am also thankful for the people who could have left. My husband could have dropped me a long time ago, my twin sister could have just closed the door on our relationship, my friends could have stopped spending time with me. I am forever grateful to these people for still being here.  

     I know most people are kind and caring (at least the people I come into contact with). But there are also those who are downright stinkers. There are also people with psychosis who are stinkers as well. None of us are perfect. I know the world is not marshmallows, rainbows and butterflies. There are cruel and nasty people out there in our world. Some of those people deep down are hurting over their circumstances - bad relationships, poverty, lack of family support, bad habits - the list goes on and on. I think all of us could use someone who is simply understanding. Someone that will listen and maybe even help us work through our problems.  

    I want to leave a legacy of hope, kindness, and for being a strong woman. Although people will know I have psychosis, it will not consume who I am. Psychosis will not define me.

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."

-Martha Washington

Dear Psychosis, I see her...

 

Dear Psychosis,
    I see her. She shouldn't be here, she left this earth at least 7 years ago. She shows up in the strangest places. She is watching me while I sleep. She was so nice when she was alive and now she is so mean. I'm not good enough for her. I should have never been born, I'm just a burden on my family. She reminds me I was just a cockroach that used to live in her basement. She laughs at me a lot, I've gained too much weight, I am embarrassing my family. Her laughter rings through my ears. You think hearing her again would bring me so much joy. I miss her so much. If I had wished for another day with her, I would take it back. This is not what I was asking for.
    I see her and hear her. That's okay... everything is fine. At least that's what I am telling myself. Others just don't understand what is going on with me. I just don't have the energy. I just need her to go away. I've talked to my therapist about what's been going on. She suggested talking back to her because I may have some unresolved things I need to say to her. That's one thing about me. I DO NOT TALK BACK. I don't give the voices I hear the time of day. I feel like if I start having a real conversation with the things I hear, then I have literally LOST IT! I'm holding on to an unraveling rope praying that it doesn't break. 
    Sometimes she sings. She always sang in really high pitched, operatic tones. We used to laugh about it as kids and she thought it was funny too. It's not funny anymore, she scares me. Sleep brings me peace. I turn on some kind of soundscape with the volume up so high that it's hard to think. Then I take my medicine and go to sleep. I know she is somewhere watching me. I can feel it. 

    Now before someone wants to admit me to the psych ward, I realize that even though this is a hard time right now, I know that isn't reality. She can't possibly be here. I mean, she's dead. I've mentioned insight before, but I want to take some time and talk about it again. The definition of Insight is the power or act of seeing into a situation: the act or result of apprehending the inner nature of things or of seeing intuitively. I have insight with my psychosis. I can tell you what reality is. Does it make it emotionally easier? No, not really. But it's a lot easier not thinking that she is standing right in front of me. I will say that my medicine helps keep me grounded in reality too. 
    Medicine and me don't go well together. Especially when you have voices telling you that you are poisoning yourself or there are microchips in the medicine capsules. I struggle with this every day. I hear all the time to "Just take your medicine, everyone takes medicine for all kinds of things" or  "If a diabetic didn't take their medicine you would wonder why they stopped. That they need it to stay healthy." All these things are true, but it feels like it's just a way to guilt me into taking my medicine. I know the medicine helps when I take it. I also know it's changing my brain, my way of thinking.

    This post is definitely different from most of my previous ones, but I just needed to write about what has been going on lately. Blogging is my therapy and coping mechanism. If no one reads my posts, at least I felt good getting it out.

Dear Psychosis, There are Good Days

 

    Dear Psychosis,

        There are so many good days! Do I struggle daily with symptoms? Of course I do, but I try my hardest to make the best of every day. I have learned that life goes on. I have done my share of self-wallowing. Not wanting to get out of bed, not showering, wasting the day away. Asking questions like "Why Me?" Depression has definitely gotten the best of me before. Most days my anxiety is crippling. I have to remind myself that life is worth living. That's when I remember the good things in my world. My family, my daughter, I wake up and get dressed, fix my hair and makeup. Because I don't want her making negative memories about me. Not just memories for her, but for my own memories too. 

    For a while I didn't think I would ever be happy again after being diagnosed with a disease that has such a stigma tied to it. Where is the sunshine in that? So some days it's the little things I try to find joy in such as seeing a sweet little squirrel on a tree outside my window, maybe a smile from a perfect stranger, or just the quiet (that last one means a lot for someone who has psychosis).

    I enjoy my village! I love getting together and playing games, watching movies, or maybe just grabbing dinner together. I may not be a hugger, but having the warmth of laughter and love from them means everything. I am only human, which means I need that human interaction. Don't get me wrong, some days it's hard to be around others, but I still have the craving to be social. It brings me joy to spend time with my family and friends. 

    Sometimes a good day is a day spent alone with no interaction at all. A day of music, podcasts, a good drive, maybe a small hike, listening/reading a good book, or maybe even blogging. I also enjoy doing different craft projects such as drawing, card making, making holiday decor, etc. Sometimes it's nice to distract my mind with a project. Having that alone time to get lost in something that I'm creating and not having my mind on the voices, shadows, or other symptoms that rear their ugly heads.

    Most days, the good in my day is getting up and sticking to a routine. I get up and shower, get dressed, do my makeup, put earrings on, pick out a spunky pair of glasses. When I stick to my routine, I feel like I'm ready to face the day. Like I can take on anything. Don't get me wrong, some days I'm lucky to shower. There is something about a little self-care that helps boost your mental health. I struggle with mental health and if there is something as simple as a routine to help shape my day in the best way it can go, please sign me up! My good days need some kind of structure even if it's simple, like having some kind of plan for my day. For example: Get up get ready, go to work, come home and read a book, pick up my daughter from school, and come home and cook dinner. Schedules / routines can be as vague or as complex as you would like. I just need something to help keep my day from going array.

    There is so much happiness in my life, I try not to let the cloudy days take it away. Clouds are constantly moving and the sun will eventually shine through. Smile a little more, laugh with that friend, and be blessed by the world around you. 

Dear Psychosis, The Hard Days

 

Dear Psychosis,

    Some days are just plain stinky. You just never know when symptoms are going to pop up. Normally, I have some triggers such as stress, lack of sleep, missing my medicine, and some days are just not good.

    I hate having bad days (let's be honest, who likes a bad day?). We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. When I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, my symptoms are stronger. For example, I was camping with my Father-in-law one weekend while we were attending a festival. One night I got uncomfortable sleeping in my tent, so I decided to sleep in the car in the passenger seat. I was so tired and my paranoia was super bad. I felt like someone was watching our campsite. I thought they wanted to get into the car with me. I was terrified, so I laid still and quiet hoping I wouldn't be seen. While I was sitting there, I could see these giant shadow figures walking through the woods. I was very panicky deep down and I knew it wasn't possible, but it felt so real. I needed help, so I called my father-in-law who was in a tent just 10 feet away from the car. He didn't pick up because he was sleeping. I was too scared to get out of the car and wake him up. I had to lay there all night scared and not knowing when theses hallucinations would go away. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up, I felt better (but still having some symptoms). My father-in-law asked if I was ok, and I told him what had happened.

    I wish it would go away. This burden is sometime too hard to handle. I get in my own head. It doesn't help I have voices telling me mean things. The voices come and go. Sometimes it's a baby crying, or maybe a cat meowing, or my husband telling me to do things around the house. Sometimes I hear my name being called. I literally feel exhausted when all this happens. My brain is tired and my body just wants to do nothing. 

Stop the shadows that wrap themselves around me and consume my every being

the shadows start singing 

beautiful songs some might say

but to me they are scaring my thoughts away

I can't stop running

I'm hiding 

the shadows are seeking me

all I can do is plea with them to let me be

On the outside I'm calm, cool, and collected

Masking my fear 

I'm all smiles while they are whispering in my ear

my village surrounds me like a force 

they say everything is ok

How do they know 

are they in my mind

watching all eyes on me 

not only am I running from the shadows 

I am now running from the very people take care of me 

Why can't I just see what people see in me

instead I put more pills in my body

praying the chaos to stop

I need that peace

time stands still

will it be a good day or bad

I seem to make everyone around me sad

So I hide 

put myself away

while working on the hard days