Dear Psychosis, Paranoia in the world today

 Dear Psychosis, 
    Paranoia is everywhere in the world today. How am I not going to be paranoid? Balloons being shot out of the sky, cameras everywhere (cellphones, computers, doorbells, police cameras in parking lots, etc...), computers and apps gathering data from your searches, I could go on and on. It's already hard for me to be around people for long periods of time just because of the mere thought that everyone could be reading my mind. Just sitting through church can be exhausting. Paranoia is just down right NO fun. I have to keep myself in check. I check to see if I'm thinking in reality or not. But with all the things being shot out of the sky lately, some of my paranoia is becoming reality. I can't just pretend those things didn't happen, because they certainly did. Because of my paranoia, fear can set in. I hate living in fear. I hate the anxiety I get from it.

     I want to begin this point by saying the police are mostly there to help us when we need them. That said, I have the biggest fear of being handcuffed and being put in a police car because of my mental health. The past two times I went to therapy there were two cop cars in front of the building. It takes every fiber of my being to get out of the car. I get hot, my heart races, and the breath is knocked out of me. My paranoia sets in and I have to do some real deep searching within me to realize that the officers are not there for me, and that I am not dangerous to myself or others. Sometimes my paranoia makes me seem guilty in certain situations, like I have done something wrong when I have not. That worry normally takes over and I am just another big ball of paranoid energy. I am lucky to have some amazing family and friends who help keep me in check. Even with medicine, my paranoia never fully goes away. I hold myself together pretty well. If you were to talk with me, you'd have no idea psychosis is even an issue for me. You might see me walk away from big crowds and then come back, or you might see me looking around my surroundings to check for things that might be watching me. Paranoia can be straight up exhausting. I constantly have my guard up just waiting for something to happen. I plan on how I may respond to certain situations. I never come unprepared to any situation - there is always an escape plan I've thought through  in my mind. I do this for the safety of myself and my family. Will I ever use any of this? Probably not. In today's world, I feel like I need to be cautious when in public. With bombings and shootings happening randomly without any rhyme or reason why wouldn't you want to be as safe as possible? So I am cautious, like most people. The difference is I probably take it to the extreme in my mind. The worrying can be overwhelming.

"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" - Confucius 

Dear Psychosis, Why can't I let my guard down

 Dear Psychosis,

Why can't I let my guard down? I'm always ready to fight for myself, but why? I have this constant need to reassure myself that people aren't taking advantage of me. With my illness, I just want to be taken seriously and not have someone thinking "oh they're just paranoid" or "they're delusional". I am in touch with reality. I'm aware of what's going on around me. That being said, people still look at me differently. Mainly people who work in healthcare. Once I was working closely with a case manager at the same establishment  where I receive Therapy and they told me I was one of the "intelligent ones" (wow can we say rude!) She then went on to give me a questionnaire to see how things were going. Instead of letting me write my answers, she recorded them herself and changed everything I was saying. Her wording for some questions was ever crude. At one point she even had the nerve to ask "can you wipe your own ass?". I was humiliated. When I went over the questionnaire with my therapist later, she asked how I answered the questions. She could see those were not my answers. I was embarrassed at the thought that this lady was taking advantage of me. She even stated that my home was not well kept. She has never been to my house. I'm raising a daughter, what if her foolish lies messed with the way I take care of her? I can't imagine what this lady manages to get away with while "working" with other clients. It literally disgusts me. Why would anyone in my position let their guard down? I feel like I have to be aware of everything going on around me at all times. I obviously know that not all people in mental health are bad guys, but there are some stinkers that really ruin it for the rest of them. I really feel like that lady broke me. I put so much trust in her to help me. I have a hard time with trust and once it's broken, I'm done. 

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. 

I need help and I've come so far. I highly encourage therapy (everyone could give it a go). I just want to feel safe and that I can openly talk about the hard topics without being judged or belittled by the people claiming to help me. Be kind. People deal with too much junk for you not to be. Just be good people.

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

-Henri Frederic Amiel

Dear Psychosis, How do you keep your job?

Dear Psychosis,

How do you keep your job? I'm a member of a few Facebook groups where people affected by psychosis share their experiences. So many people seem unable to hold onto their jobs, keep their relationships going, or maintain a social life. I completely understand why -  between the paranoia and hallucinations I experience, it can be hard to keep up with anybody except myself. This is why I take medication. As much as I hate taking my meds, I know I would not be able to help support my family without them. Medication is so important. Finding the right medications is important too. The first medication you try may not be the right one for you, but just keep trying. Medication may not make all of your symptoms go away either, but it can help make your symptoms manageable. 

 I have been at my current job for nearly a year now. I work in an office setting. Some of my tasks are answering phones, emails, and welcoming guests to the office. I have to interact with people everyday. A lot of times I'm the first person they see when they come through the door. I have to conduct myself as a professional and responsible person. I have to make eye contact, speak clearly, and listen intently. As you can imagine, this is not an easy task for someone who is in a constant state of psychosis.

    So how do I make it work? Well, it's kind of a "one day at a time" thing. It also helps that I have somewhat of a schedule that I try really hard to stick with. So I have certain things I focus on. I make a list of tasks I need to accomplish for that day. I make these tasks my daily goals. Have you ever met a goal and you just felt completely accomplished? Let me tell you, it feels amazing!

Here is another question I hear and have asked before myself. "Do I have to tell my employer that I have psychosis?". I have discussed this with my medical provider and my therapist. I have come to the conclusion that I don't have to disclose that information. That being said, I felt safe enough to share with my boss (this was not an easy decision to make). I felt like they needed to know in case I had a bad day or week. I can't help my illness - it makes me sick some days and my psychosis symptoms intensify. I felt I needed to have a good and clear communication with my boss to have a healthy work atmosphere.

    At the end of the day, I choose some kind of self-care. This might look like just sitting in my car for five minutes in complete silence. I don't have the choice of not working, and to be honest, I want to work. Choosing to work is not an easy decision for a lot of us. There are also a lot of people who just can't physically work. It all depends on the person, but in my personal experience I can. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY not. I'm just doing my best. We should encourage others to keep building themselves up and take care of their bodies and minds. I have seen people on Facebook who support family or friends with psychosis ask questions like "How do I get my_____ to get up and do things?" Sometimes it takes every fiber of our beings just to keep living. Give them grace and support. You wouldn't ask a diabetic patient to get up and do something after their sugar levels bottomed out. Mental health struggles are real struggles too. It's not for attention. We can't just shake it away, and some days it is out of our control. That being said, we also have to take responsibility for our health and get help if we need it.