Dear Psychosis, Paranoia in the world today

 Dear Psychosis, 
    Paranoia is everywhere in the world today. How am I not going to be paranoid? Balloons being shot out of the sky, cameras everywhere (cellphones, computers, doorbells, police cameras in parking lots, etc...), computers and apps gathering data from your searches, I could go on and on. It's already hard for me to be around people for long periods of time just because of the mere thought that everyone could be reading my mind. Just sitting through church can be exhausting. Paranoia is just down right NO fun. I have to keep myself in check. I check to see if I'm thinking in reality or not. But with all the things being shot out of the sky lately, some of my paranoia is becoming reality. I can't just pretend those things didn't happen, because they certainly did. Because of my paranoia, fear can set in. I hate living in fear. I hate the anxiety I get from it.

     I want to begin this point by saying the police are mostly there to help us when we need them. That said, I have the biggest fear of being handcuffed and being put in a police car because of my mental health. The past two times I went to therapy there were two cop cars in front of the building. It takes every fiber of my being to get out of the car. I get hot, my heart races, and the breath is knocked out of me. My paranoia sets in and I have to do some real deep searching within me to realize that the officers are not there for me, and that I am not dangerous to myself or others. Sometimes my paranoia makes me seem guilty in certain situations, like I have done something wrong when I have not. That worry normally takes over and I am just another big ball of paranoid energy. I am lucky to have some amazing family and friends who help keep me in check. Even with medicine, my paranoia never fully goes away. I hold myself together pretty well. If you were to talk with me, you'd have no idea psychosis is even an issue for me. You might see me walk away from big crowds and then come back, or you might see me looking around my surroundings to check for things that might be watching me. Paranoia can be straight up exhausting. I constantly have my guard up just waiting for something to happen. I plan on how I may respond to certain situations. I never come unprepared to any situation - there is always an escape plan I've thought through  in my mind. I do this for the safety of myself and my family. Will I ever use any of this? Probably not. In today's world, I feel like I need to be cautious when in public. With bombings and shootings happening randomly without any rhyme or reason why wouldn't you want to be as safe as possible? So I am cautious, like most people. The difference is I probably take it to the extreme in my mind. The worrying can be overwhelming.

"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" - Confucius