Dear Psychosis,
Why can't I let my guard down? I'm always ready to fight for myself, but why? I have this constant need to reassure myself that people aren't taking advantage of me. With my illness, I just want to be taken seriously and not have someone thinking "oh they're just paranoid" or "they're delusional". I am in touch with reality. I'm aware of what's going on around me. That being said, people still look at me differently. Mainly people who work in healthcare. Once I was working closely with a case manager at the same establishment where I receive Therapy and they told me I was one of the "intelligent ones" (wow can we say rude!) She then went on to give me a questionnaire to see how things were going. Instead of letting me write my answers, she recorded them herself and changed everything I was saying. Her wording for some questions was ever crude. At one point she even had the nerve to ask "can you wipe your own ass?". I was humiliated. When I went over the questionnaire with my therapist later, she asked how I answered the questions. She could see those were not my answers. I was embarrassed at the thought that this lady was taking advantage of me. She even stated that my home was not well kept. She has never been to my house. I'm raising a daughter, what if her foolish lies messed with the way I take care of her? I can't imagine what this lady manages to get away with while "working" with other clients. It literally disgusts me. Why would anyone in my position let their guard down? I feel like I have to be aware of everything going on around me at all times. I obviously know that not all people in mental health are bad guys, but there are some stinkers that really ruin it for the rest of them. I really feel like that lady broke me. I put so much trust in her to help me. I have a hard time with trust and once it's broken, I'm done.
Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
I need help and I've come so far. I highly encourage therapy (everyone could give it a go). I just want to feel safe and that I can openly talk about the hard topics without being judged or belittled by the people claiming to help me. Be kind. People deal with too much junk for you not to be. Just be good people.
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