Dear Psychosis, What Direction am I going?

 Dear Psychosis, 

    What direction am I going? Sometimes it feels like I am at a standstill, not moving at all to the point where I can't take care of myself. You know, those "let's stay in bed" days when it's too hard to deal with symptoms of my mental illness. Hiding from the world is just easier sometimes. Does this mean I'm not making progress at all? I don't think that's the case. I have bad days and those are completely normal. The stress of psychosis can be hard at times. So why not care enough about myself enough to take a break? As long as I'm doing it in a healthy way, of course.
    What kind of progress have I made since I started this unfortunate psychosis journey? I've come pretty far. When this first started it was a huge, full-blown episode. I could not really tell what was real or wasn't. I was seeing and hearing things that were terrifying. I couldn't trust anyone. I felt completely lost. I just wanted it all to stop and eventually had suicidal ideations. 
    What got me going in the right direction? A caring family who loves me no matter what, friends who are there at the drop of a hat, and medical professionals who understand what I'm going through. Medical professionals provided medications that helped my brain to act right. Trust in all of these things took a while for me to come around to though. It's hard taking meds and letting people in on the state of your mind. I didn't want to be taken off and locked away forever. I had to learn that was not going to happen. 

    Talking about and coming to terms with my illness was a big part of heading in the right direction. I've had to mourn the fact that I'm not the same person I was before psychosis. Parts of me have died. There is a lot of grief that comes with that. I'm not the same women that married my husband, I'm not the same mother who had my daughter, and I'm not the same daughter that my parents raised. It's a process that just keeps going and going. This doesn't mean I've changed for the worst - it just means I'm different. I forget things, I overthink everything, but I also have (with a lot of help from therapy) had to learn who I really am. I truly believe I'm headed in the right direction.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

-The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Dear Psychosis, Do you really want to Understand?

 

Dear Psychosis,

Sometimes your silence is too much. 

There is no way to help someone if you keep your mouth shut.

There is no way to care for someone if you keep your mouth shut.

Don't get me wrong, silence has its time and place. In my experience, when people are silent it's because they are either processing their emotions or they are simply at a loss for words. I know that sometimes I feel that with my Psychosis, people almost handle my mental state from a distance. They state things like "I'm here for you, but I just don't get it," or they don't say anything at all. I also have some people ask what exactly it is I need from them. This is what I need: for them to have a deeper understanding. I want them to do the legwork and actually do some research to try and understand exactly what I'm going through. I want them to understand that I'm OK, but I'm going to have rough days. 

I have talked to so many people who just want understanding. Communication! I'll repeat myself so it's clear: communication is so, so important! I can't tell you how many times people will change the subject or look uncomfortable when the topic of mental health comes up.  Don't say you can "tell me all about what you're going through" and then act like that. Sometimes I also get treated with kids' gloves. Listen up! I see and hear things that could show up in your worst nightmares! You don't have to treat me like a child. I'm a grown-up. I can handle adult interactions.  

Do you really want to get it? Or do you just want to pretend that the person you love isn't struggling, that everything is always rainbows and butterflies. We can't pretend our children are perfect. That puts too much weight on their shoulders and they will fail every time. Why not give them what they want to help them cope when they need you the most.

Things you could ask when someone has psychosis, so you can have a better understanding:

"How are you doing today?"

"What are your bad days like?"

"If you want to share, I'm here to listen."

"If you want to share, I'm here to talk about your symptoms"

"Do you want me to remind you of reality vs. non-reality?"

"Do you need a break from people?"

"What are some resources I could use to better understand your symptoms?"

I get it. It can be hard dealing with people who have psychosis (especially someone who doesn't have a clear concept of reality at the moment).  Your feelings are valid too. This is why communication is key, because if you need understanding or a break you can feel free to state it. Psychosis can be scary for everyone involved. Always try to communicate though. Even if that means just explaining that you need to walk away for a bit. Try to stay calm - no one needs the added stress of yelling. This is all "easier said than done." All we can do is try hard and be kind every chance we get.