Dear Psychosis,
Why me? My life was normal growing up. My parents were amazing people, raised my sisters and I in Church (Dad's a preacher). We had game and movie nights, they took us on family vacations, we got to go to summer camp every summer. Mom and Dad both worked very hard so that we could be comfortable and have everything we would ever need. We looked like the cookie cutter family. But, like most preacher's kids, I felt as if everyone expected me to be perfect all of the time, which was a heavy burden growing up.
When I was 18 I guess my delusions and paranoia started, I felt as if everyone could read my mind. I was no longer safe being quiet, because now everyone was in my mind and watching. They were seeing me mess up. They could see and hear all of my sins. I couldn't think of a curse word or fantasize about my crush. I couldn't think negatively. Everyone would think I was a nasty, ugly person. But I held on and didn't really ask for help because I thought this was normal. I got to the point where I couldn't let anyone hug me or touch me. My own mother's hugs were no longer appealing. The only person I could go to was my twin. Something about her touch reassured me everything was ok. We didn't have to talk, just a hug or holding hands did the trick.
After high school I went to college for about a year and a half before deciding it just wasn't what I wanted. I had been in a 2 year long relationship and that ended. Heartbroken, I decided I needed a change and an escape. I moved in with my great-grandparents in Indiana. I knew as a Tennessee girl that this was what I needed. I was scared, yet excited all at the same time. I hadn't known anything other than my parents' house and their rules. I didn't want to leave my twin, but I also knew I wasn't abandoning her, that I would come home for visits and holidays. I did feel bad though she was still at home. I wasn't sure what to do with my newfound freedom, but I ended up taking care of my great grandparents for a few months before eventually moving in with my aunt and uncle. I got a job at a bookstore and made my way up to inventory specialist and back store manager. I also made some great friends at the church I was attending, including the amazing man I would eventually to marry.
After a year of being married, our jobs were no longer there, we had been let go and our apartment lease was up. We decided we were going to move in with my twin sister and her husband in Tennessee while we got back on our feet. Of course, they took us in and put up with us, because they are wonderful people. My husband eventually got a job in Kentucky. He found us an apartment and a good church family. We were back on our feet. Not to long after that we found out I was pregnant with our sweet and sassy baby girl.
I was 24 years old the year she was born. The Year of hallucinating. We were so fascinated with the bundle of joy we had brought into this world. She had some minor complications that put her in the NICU for about a week. I was an emotional wreck with hormones, pumping so she could eat, and leaving the hospital without her. My Father-in-Law came down to help for about a month after she was home. Between my husband, father-in-law, and myself, I got to get plenty of sleep - more than most new mothers. My Father-in-law was a Godsend. But when he left I was lost, I was left alone with this baby. "How can I do this without all the help?" My husband was working to support our small family. I felt as if I was falling apart. I came into Postpartum Depression hit like a truck, I couldn't stand to hear her cry, I just wanted to be left alone. That's when I saw my first spider. As soon as he showed up, he would disappear. I thought that was weird, but also thought I was just tired. It continued for a while. I eventually told my husband, but he didn't really think much of it either. I eventually learned to love my sweet girl with all my heart, and the spiders eventually went away.
The Day my husband lost his job. I had just packed up all of our Christmas stuff later then I usually do. He came home and told me what had happened, and it didn't help that the next day the whole word would shut down because of Covid-19. I was working a part-time job as a janitor at our church and we knew that wasn't going to cut it. So we both started looking for jobs, but in a pandemic that's not easy. Our friends were looking for us as well. One day a friend said they were looking for someone to be his medical assistant. So he recommended me to his bosses and I got an interview. They offered me the job and I took it. I would be working for a mental health clinic. I loved my job and the people I worked with. But I had a hard time looking the owners in the eyes; it was like they were looking into my very soul. Because I worked with the clinic I got to be seen there. I had some depression and anxiety creep up on me from the stress of my new job. I was overworked and the managers never bothered to train me. I had to figure everything out on my own and with what little help my friend, who was the nurse practitioner, was able to provide. I was put on Lexapro and Wellbutrin to boost my mood.
The Day it all went South. I was hearing someone whisperings my name, I would look around and no one was there. I started seeing bugs again, but there were way more this time. Everyone was in my brain pulling information out. I couldn't look into the eyes of the people I worked with and would often drift into daze. Paying attention got harder. I kept messing up at work. One morning I woke up, got ready for work and was being followed by this huge shadow man. He wanted to consume every part of my being. The only thing I could think of doing was to try and kill myself. I got in the car. I was driving and something in my mind said do it now, I saw a pole and decided I was going to wreck my car in the hopes that I would end all this madness. Luckily for me, I wasn't close enough and the grass slowed me down. I went on to work knowing all I needed was help, for someone to save me. I walked into my friend's office and told him what had happened. He told me that I need to go somewhere safe or to the hospital. I was too paranoid to go the hospital, so we all decided that I would go to my twin sister's house while my medication got changed. Turns out the Wellbutrin amplified and help trigger all of my symptoms. While I was at my twin's house, I was being watched. They never left me alone for more than a minute or two. My nurse practitioner friend would call to check in and see how the meds were doing. I eventually got to the point where I could tell him what I was seeing and hearing and about my paranoia. Later on, I would be diagnosed. My group of people rallied around me. This was a scary situation to be in and learning to deal with symptoms was just the beginning. My meds eventually kicked in and my symptoms got better, but they have never fully gone away. Through therapy and learning to cope with my symptoms it gets easier sometimes.
I'm still very new to all this and have my bad days, but I have the best support system anyone can ask for. I feel like sharing my stories and feelings that might help someone else struggling in similar situations.
There is hope and there is light even if we can't see it yet. Some people will never understand me or what I'm going through, and that's ok, they don't have too. I'm working on me, there is no healing from this disease that I deal with daily. So, I just have to take it one day at time, because the world still needs me. I'm not done yet.
