Dear Psychosis, What Direction am I going?

 Dear Psychosis, 

    What direction am I going? Sometimes it feels like I am at a standstill, not moving at all to the point where I can't take care of myself. You know, those "let's stay in bed" days when it's too hard to deal with symptoms of my mental illness. Hiding from the world is just easier sometimes. Does this mean I'm not making progress at all? I don't think that's the case. I have bad days and those are completely normal. The stress of psychosis can be hard at times. So why not care enough about myself enough to take a break? As long as I'm doing it in a healthy way, of course.
    What kind of progress have I made since I started this unfortunate psychosis journey? I've come pretty far. When this first started it was a huge, full-blown episode. I could not really tell what was real or wasn't. I was seeing and hearing things that were terrifying. I couldn't trust anyone. I felt completely lost. I just wanted it all to stop and eventually had suicidal ideations. 
    What got me going in the right direction? A caring family who loves me no matter what, friends who are there at the drop of a hat, and medical professionals who understand what I'm going through. Medical professionals provided medications that helped my brain to act right. Trust in all of these things took a while for me to come around to though. It's hard taking meds and letting people in on the state of your mind. I didn't want to be taken off and locked away forever. I had to learn that was not going to happen. 

    Talking about and coming to terms with my illness was a big part of heading in the right direction. I've had to mourn the fact that I'm not the same person I was before psychosis. Parts of me have died. There is a lot of grief that comes with that. I'm not the same women that married my husband, I'm not the same mother who had my daughter, and I'm not the same daughter that my parents raised. It's a process that just keeps going and going. This doesn't mean I've changed for the worst - it just means I'm different. I forget things, I overthink everything, but I also have (with a lot of help from therapy) had to learn who I really am. I truly believe I'm headed in the right direction.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

-The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Dear Psychosis, Do you really want to Understand?

 

Dear Psychosis,

Sometimes your silence is too much. 

There is no way to help someone if you keep your mouth shut.

There is no way to care for someone if you keep your mouth shut.

Don't get me wrong, silence has its time and place. In my experience, when people are silent it's because they are either processing their emotions or they are simply at a loss for words. I know that sometimes I feel that with my Psychosis, people almost handle my mental state from a distance. They state things like "I'm here for you, but I just don't get it," or they don't say anything at all. I also have some people ask what exactly it is I need from them. This is what I need: for them to have a deeper understanding. I want them to do the legwork and actually do some research to try and understand exactly what I'm going through. I want them to understand that I'm OK, but I'm going to have rough days. 

I have talked to so many people who just want understanding. Communication! I'll repeat myself so it's clear: communication is so, so important! I can't tell you how many times people will change the subject or look uncomfortable when the topic of mental health comes up.  Don't say you can "tell me all about what you're going through" and then act like that. Sometimes I also get treated with kids' gloves. Listen up! I see and hear things that could show up in your worst nightmares! You don't have to treat me like a child. I'm a grown-up. I can handle adult interactions.  

Do you really want to get it? Or do you just want to pretend that the person you love isn't struggling, that everything is always rainbows and butterflies. We can't pretend our children are perfect. That puts too much weight on their shoulders and they will fail every time. Why not give them what they want to help them cope when they need you the most.

Things you could ask when someone has psychosis, so you can have a better understanding:

"How are you doing today?"

"What are your bad days like?"

"If you want to share, I'm here to listen."

"If you want to share, I'm here to talk about your symptoms"

"Do you want me to remind you of reality vs. non-reality?"

"Do you need a break from people?"

"What are some resources I could use to better understand your symptoms?"

I get it. It can be hard dealing with people who have psychosis (especially someone who doesn't have a clear concept of reality at the moment).  Your feelings are valid too. This is why communication is key, because if you need understanding or a break you can feel free to state it. Psychosis can be scary for everyone involved. Always try to communicate though. Even if that means just explaining that you need to walk away for a bit. Try to stay calm - no one needs the added stress of yelling. This is all "easier said than done." All we can do is try hard and be kind every chance we get. 

 

Dear Psychosis, Gaslighting

 

     Dear Psychosis, Gaslighting

gas·light
/ˈɡasˌlīt/
verb
gerund or present participle: to manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.

Have you ever heard any of these phases:

"I did that because I was trying to help you."

"That's not what happened."

"You're crazy."

"This is why you don't have friends."

"This is your own fault."

"That is hardly important."

"That's not what I meant."

If you have, then you know what it's like to be gaslighted. I already struggle daily with questioning my reality vs. nonreality. I really don't need any more help with that. It's harmful to the psyche to be around people who give you this kind of verbal abuse. It makes you feel like you will never be good enough. I have a friend who finally got out of a long marriage. He would say things to her like "Your family won't want you back," "you have nothing and nowhere to go," "I did that because you made me angry." She felt stuck and alone like she couldn't get out. The truth is she could have left at any time. She had resource and a family that loves her very much. They would do absolutely anything for her. She had friends that would take her in and make sure she was taken care of. He twisted her thinking so badly that she didn't feel like she had any other options. 

There are always options. 

Never let anyone tell you that you're less than what you are! You are loved and wanted! The thoughts you think and the things you feel are valid. It's ok to talk about your feelings. If you ever feel like you don't have anyone to talk to there are therapist out there who would love to lend an ear and help work through some things with you. Therapists can be a tool not only when you are in crisis, but when you are doing great and everything is fine. There are hotlines such as The Suicide Hotline or places to call and report abuse in your community, so you don't have to do anything alone.

You never have to be alone. 

Dear Psychosis, Everybody needs that Friend

 Dear Psychosis,

Everybody needs that Friend

I feel like it's important to stop and talk about how important it is to have friends. People we can laugh, cry, share and just be silent with. I know my brain has times when it wants to be left alone, but more often than not, it needs someone to come in and show their support. We don't have to use words. We don't even have to look at each other. The bond between best friends goes beyond all of that. A true friend is someone who shows up when you are at your lowest low and your highest high! Have you ever been so close to someone you can get that certain look and know what they are thinking? I certainly have and it feels so good to be connected on that level! 

Sometimes I just need to laugh and then laugh some more. Friends are so good for that. It's like a breath of fresh air! Kevin Hart says "laughter heals all wounds, and that's one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you're going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing." I could not agree more! Laughter is the best medicine as I have heard so many people say. Laughing with friends, creating inside jokes, relishing that pure, simple joy.

Have you ever been around someone who doesn't really have many friends? They can seem kind of sad, almost stuck in their minutia, just trying to get through their week so they can do more mundane things during the weekend. They don't really smile and normally have nothing to talk about. I do know there are people who prefer to be alone, but I imagine that can get lonely at times. I don't know what I would do without my friends cheering me on in my times of weakness, happiness, and anger. I need my hype people, but I also love being the hype person as well. Nothing feels better than being kind and encourage a friend when they need it! Mental health can just straight up suck at times. I need my people! You know who you are and I appreciate every single one of you! If I ever wrote my blessings down all of those name's would be on top!

Dear Psychosis, Paranoia in the world today

 Dear Psychosis, 
    Paranoia is everywhere in the world today. How am I not going to be paranoid? Balloons being shot out of the sky, cameras everywhere (cellphones, computers, doorbells, police cameras in parking lots, etc...), computers and apps gathering data from your searches, I could go on and on. It's already hard for me to be around people for long periods of time just because of the mere thought that everyone could be reading my mind. Just sitting through church can be exhausting. Paranoia is just down right NO fun. I have to keep myself in check. I check to see if I'm thinking in reality or not. But with all the things being shot out of the sky lately, some of my paranoia is becoming reality. I can't just pretend those things didn't happen, because they certainly did. Because of my paranoia, fear can set in. I hate living in fear. I hate the anxiety I get from it.

     I want to begin this point by saying the police are mostly there to help us when we need them. That said, I have the biggest fear of being handcuffed and being put in a police car because of my mental health. The past two times I went to therapy there were two cop cars in front of the building. It takes every fiber of my being to get out of the car. I get hot, my heart races, and the breath is knocked out of me. My paranoia sets in and I have to do some real deep searching within me to realize that the officers are not there for me, and that I am not dangerous to myself or others. Sometimes my paranoia makes me seem guilty in certain situations, like I have done something wrong when I have not. That worry normally takes over and I am just another big ball of paranoid energy. I am lucky to have some amazing family and friends who help keep me in check. Even with medicine, my paranoia never fully goes away. I hold myself together pretty well. If you were to talk with me, you'd have no idea psychosis is even an issue for me. You might see me walk away from big crowds and then come back, or you might see me looking around my surroundings to check for things that might be watching me. Paranoia can be straight up exhausting. I constantly have my guard up just waiting for something to happen. I plan on how I may respond to certain situations. I never come unprepared to any situation - there is always an escape plan I've thought through  in my mind. I do this for the safety of myself and my family. Will I ever use any of this? Probably not. In today's world, I feel like I need to be cautious when in public. With bombings and shootings happening randomly without any rhyme or reason why wouldn't you want to be as safe as possible? So I am cautious, like most people. The difference is I probably take it to the extreme in my mind. The worrying can be overwhelming.

"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" - Confucius 

Dear Psychosis, Why can't I let my guard down

 Dear Psychosis,

Why can't I let my guard down? I'm always ready to fight for myself, but why? I have this constant need to reassure myself that people aren't taking advantage of me. With my illness, I just want to be taken seriously and not have someone thinking "oh they're just paranoid" or "they're delusional". I am in touch with reality. I'm aware of what's going on around me. That being said, people still look at me differently. Mainly people who work in healthcare. Once I was working closely with a case manager at the same establishment  where I receive Therapy and they told me I was one of the "intelligent ones" (wow can we say rude!) She then went on to give me a questionnaire to see how things were going. Instead of letting me write my answers, she recorded them herself and changed everything I was saying. Her wording for some questions was ever crude. At one point she even had the nerve to ask "can you wipe your own ass?". I was humiliated. When I went over the questionnaire with my therapist later, she asked how I answered the questions. She could see those were not my answers. I was embarrassed at the thought that this lady was taking advantage of me. She even stated that my home was not well kept. She has never been to my house. I'm raising a daughter, what if her foolish lies messed with the way I take care of her? I can't imagine what this lady manages to get away with while "working" with other clients. It literally disgusts me. Why would anyone in my position let their guard down? I feel like I have to be aware of everything going on around me at all times. I obviously know that not all people in mental health are bad guys, but there are some stinkers that really ruin it for the rest of them. I really feel like that lady broke me. I put so much trust in her to help me. I have a hard time with trust and once it's broken, I'm done. 

Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. 

I need help and I've come so far. I highly encourage therapy (everyone could give it a go). I just want to feel safe and that I can openly talk about the hard topics without being judged or belittled by the people claiming to help me. Be kind. People deal with too much junk for you not to be. Just be good people.

"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind."

-Henri Frederic Amiel

Dear Psychosis, How do you keep your job?

Dear Psychosis,

How do you keep your job? I'm a member of a few Facebook groups where people affected by psychosis share their experiences. So many people seem unable to hold onto their jobs, keep their relationships going, or maintain a social life. I completely understand why -  between the paranoia and hallucinations I experience, it can be hard to keep up with anybody except myself. This is why I take medication. As much as I hate taking my meds, I know I would not be able to help support my family without them. Medication is so important. Finding the right medications is important too. The first medication you try may not be the right one for you, but just keep trying. Medication may not make all of your symptoms go away either, but it can help make your symptoms manageable. 

 I have been at my current job for nearly a year now. I work in an office setting. Some of my tasks are answering phones, emails, and welcoming guests to the office. I have to interact with people everyday. A lot of times I'm the first person they see when they come through the door. I have to conduct myself as a professional and responsible person. I have to make eye contact, speak clearly, and listen intently. As you can imagine, this is not an easy task for someone who is in a constant state of psychosis.

    So how do I make it work? Well, it's kind of a "one day at a time" thing. It also helps that I have somewhat of a schedule that I try really hard to stick with. So I have certain things I focus on. I make a list of tasks I need to accomplish for that day. I make these tasks my daily goals. Have you ever met a goal and you just felt completely accomplished? Let me tell you, it feels amazing!

Here is another question I hear and have asked before myself. "Do I have to tell my employer that I have psychosis?". I have discussed this with my medical provider and my therapist. I have come to the conclusion that I don't have to disclose that information. That being said, I felt safe enough to share with my boss (this was not an easy decision to make). I felt like they needed to know in case I had a bad day or week. I can't help my illness - it makes me sick some days and my psychosis symptoms intensify. I felt I needed to have a good and clear communication with my boss to have a healthy work atmosphere.

    At the end of the day, I choose some kind of self-care. This might look like just sitting in my car for five minutes in complete silence. I don't have the choice of not working, and to be honest, I want to work. Choosing to work is not an easy decision for a lot of us. There are also a lot of people who just can't physically work. It all depends on the person, but in my personal experience I can. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY not. I'm just doing my best. We should encourage others to keep building themselves up and take care of their bodies and minds. I have seen people on Facebook who support family or friends with psychosis ask questions like "How do I get my_____ to get up and do things?" Sometimes it takes every fiber of our beings just to keep living. Give them grace and support. You wouldn't ask a diabetic patient to get up and do something after their sugar levels bottomed out. Mental health struggles are real struggles too. It's not for attention. We can't just shake it away, and some days it is out of our control. That being said, we also have to take responsibility for our health and get help if we need it. 

 

 

I'll be back in February!

 

Dear Psychosis, You don't define me

 

Dear Psychosis,

    You don't define me...

Ever feel like the situations you find yourself in basically define who you are (like being a stay-at-home mom, or Johnny's big brother, or a preacher's kid), when really, you are so much more than that? That you are something completely different once people get to know you? I feel this way with psychosis sometimes. I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, there's the girl who sees things." I want people to love my personality and the positive parts that make me a real human being. I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I can be funny, caring, kind, and yes, sometimes a little weird.

    People with psychosis struggle enough just trying to be part of society. It's hard when you experience things that other people don't (this is why it's important to talk about these things). We all deal with things that others might find odd or not normal. For example, someone might drive the ugliest car that is barely being held together with duct tape. But that doesn't define them. People don't say there's the person who drives that ugly car. 

    Is Psychosis a part of me? Unfortunately, yes, it is. I wish I could say it's going away any day now. Psychosis just plain sucks sometimes. But I don't want it to take over my life. I feel like this is where counting my blessings comes in. Looking to what has made me stronger and what I'm thankful for. "How can you be thankful for Psychosis?" The fact is, I'm NOT thankful for psychosis, but it has taught me many things and continues to educate me. A few of the things that psychosis has taught me include the fact it's ok to take a break, that stepping away is not a big deal, that selfcare is very important, that the people who surround me are my true friends who love me very much, that honesty is so important, and that patience is humbling. I am also thankful for the people who could have left. My husband could have dropped me a long time ago, my twin sister could have just closed the door on our relationship, my friends could have stopped spending time with me. I am forever grateful to these people for still being here.  

     I know most people are kind and caring (at least the people I come into contact with). But there are also those who are downright stinkers. There are also people with psychosis who are stinkers as well. None of us are perfect. I know the world is not marshmallows, rainbows and butterflies. There are cruel and nasty people out there in our world. Some of those people deep down are hurting over their circumstances - bad relationships, poverty, lack of family support, bad habits - the list goes on and on. I think all of us could use someone who is simply understanding. Someone that will listen and maybe even help us work through our problems.  

    I want to leave a legacy of hope, kindness, and for being a strong woman. Although people will know I have psychosis, it will not consume who I am. Psychosis will not define me.

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition."

-Martha Washington

Dear Psychosis, I see her...

 

Dear Psychosis,
    I see her. She shouldn't be here, she left this earth at least 7 years ago. She shows up in the strangest places. She is watching me while I sleep. She was so nice when she was alive and now she is so mean. I'm not good enough for her. I should have never been born, I'm just a burden on my family. She reminds me I was just a cockroach that used to live in her basement. She laughs at me a lot, I've gained too much weight, I am embarrassing my family. Her laughter rings through my ears. You think hearing her again would bring me so much joy. I miss her so much. If I had wished for another day with her, I would take it back. This is not what I was asking for.
    I see her and hear her. That's okay... everything is fine. At least that's what I am telling myself. Others just don't understand what is going on with me. I just don't have the energy. I just need her to go away. I've talked to my therapist about what's been going on. She suggested talking back to her because I may have some unresolved things I need to say to her. That's one thing about me. I DO NOT TALK BACK. I don't give the voices I hear the time of day. I feel like if I start having a real conversation with the things I hear, then I have literally LOST IT! I'm holding on to an unraveling rope praying that it doesn't break. 
    Sometimes she sings. She always sang in really high pitched, operatic tones. We used to laugh about it as kids and she thought it was funny too. It's not funny anymore, she scares me. Sleep brings me peace. I turn on some kind of soundscape with the volume up so high that it's hard to think. Then I take my medicine and go to sleep. I know she is somewhere watching me. I can feel it. 

    Now before someone wants to admit me to the psych ward, I realize that even though this is a hard time right now, I know that isn't reality. She can't possibly be here. I mean, she's dead. I've mentioned insight before, but I want to take some time and talk about it again. The definition of Insight is the power or act of seeing into a situation: the act or result of apprehending the inner nature of things or of seeing intuitively. I have insight with my psychosis. I can tell you what reality is. Does it make it emotionally easier? No, not really. But it's a lot easier not thinking that she is standing right in front of me. I will say that my medicine helps keep me grounded in reality too. 
    Medicine and me don't go well together. Especially when you have voices telling you that you are poisoning yourself or there are microchips in the medicine capsules. I struggle with this every day. I hear all the time to "Just take your medicine, everyone takes medicine for all kinds of things" or  "If a diabetic didn't take their medicine you would wonder why they stopped. That they need it to stay healthy." All these things are true, but it feels like it's just a way to guilt me into taking my medicine. I know the medicine helps when I take it. I also know it's changing my brain, my way of thinking.

    This post is definitely different from most of my previous ones, but I just needed to write about what has been going on lately. Blogging is my therapy and coping mechanism. If no one reads my posts, at least I felt good getting it out.

Dear Psychosis, There are Good Days

 

    Dear Psychosis,

        There are so many good days! Do I struggle daily with symptoms? Of course I do, but I try my hardest to make the best of every day. I have learned that life goes on. I have done my share of self-wallowing. Not wanting to get out of bed, not showering, wasting the day away. Asking questions like "Why Me?" Depression has definitely gotten the best of me before. Most days my anxiety is crippling. I have to remind myself that life is worth living. That's when I remember the good things in my world. My family, my daughter, I wake up and get dressed, fix my hair and makeup. Because I don't want her making negative memories about me. Not just memories for her, but for my own memories too. 

    For a while I didn't think I would ever be happy again after being diagnosed with a disease that has such a stigma tied to it. Where is the sunshine in that? So some days it's the little things I try to find joy in such as seeing a sweet little squirrel on a tree outside my window, maybe a smile from a perfect stranger, or just the quiet (that last one means a lot for someone who has psychosis).

    I enjoy my village! I love getting together and playing games, watching movies, or maybe just grabbing dinner together. I may not be a hugger, but having the warmth of laughter and love from them means everything. I am only human, which means I need that human interaction. Don't get me wrong, some days it's hard to be around others, but I still have the craving to be social. It brings me joy to spend time with my family and friends. 

    Sometimes a good day is a day spent alone with no interaction at all. A day of music, podcasts, a good drive, maybe a small hike, listening/reading a good book, or maybe even blogging. I also enjoy doing different craft projects such as drawing, card making, making holiday decor, etc. Sometimes it's nice to distract my mind with a project. Having that alone time to get lost in something that I'm creating and not having my mind on the voices, shadows, or other symptoms that rear their ugly heads.

    Most days, the good in my day is getting up and sticking to a routine. I get up and shower, get dressed, do my makeup, put earrings on, pick out a spunky pair of glasses. When I stick to my routine, I feel like I'm ready to face the day. Like I can take on anything. Don't get me wrong, some days I'm lucky to shower. There is something about a little self-care that helps boost your mental health. I struggle with mental health and if there is something as simple as a routine to help shape my day in the best way it can go, please sign me up! My good days need some kind of structure even if it's simple, like having some kind of plan for my day. For example: Get up get ready, go to work, come home and read a book, pick up my daughter from school, and come home and cook dinner. Schedules / routines can be as vague or as complex as you would like. I just need something to help keep my day from going array.

    There is so much happiness in my life, I try not to let the cloudy days take it away. Clouds are constantly moving and the sun will eventually shine through. Smile a little more, laugh with that friend, and be blessed by the world around you. 

Dear Psychosis, The Hard Days

 

Dear Psychosis,

    Some days are just plain stinky. You just never know when symptoms are going to pop up. Normally, I have some triggers such as stress, lack of sleep, missing my medicine, and some days are just not good.

    I hate having bad days (let's be honest, who likes a bad day?). We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. When I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, my symptoms are stronger. For example, I was camping with my Father-in-law one weekend while we were attending a festival. One night I got uncomfortable sleeping in my tent, so I decided to sleep in the car in the passenger seat. I was so tired and my paranoia was super bad. I felt like someone was watching our campsite. I thought they wanted to get into the car with me. I was terrified, so I laid still and quiet hoping I wouldn't be seen. While I was sitting there, I could see these giant shadow figures walking through the woods. I was very panicky deep down and I knew it wasn't possible, but it felt so real. I needed help, so I called my father-in-law who was in a tent just 10 feet away from the car. He didn't pick up because he was sleeping. I was too scared to get out of the car and wake him up. I had to lay there all night scared and not knowing when theses hallucinations would go away. I finally fell asleep and when I woke up, I felt better (but still having some symptoms). My father-in-law asked if I was ok, and I told him what had happened.

    I wish it would go away. This burden is sometime too hard to handle. I get in my own head. It doesn't help I have voices telling me mean things. The voices come and go. Sometimes it's a baby crying, or maybe a cat meowing, or my husband telling me to do things around the house. Sometimes I hear my name being called. I literally feel exhausted when all this happens. My brain is tired and my body just wants to do nothing. 

Stop the shadows that wrap themselves around me and consume my every being

the shadows start singing 

beautiful songs some might say

but to me they are scaring my thoughts away

I can't stop running

I'm hiding 

the shadows are seeking me

all I can do is plea with them to let me be

On the outside I'm calm, cool, and collected

Masking my fear 

I'm all smiles while they are whispering in my ear

my village surrounds me like a force 

they say everything is ok

How do they know 

are they in my mind

watching all eyes on me 

not only am I running from the shadows 

I am now running from the very people take care of me 

Why can't I just see what people see in me

instead I put more pills in my body

praying the chaos to stop

I need that peace

time stands still

will it be a good day or bad

I seem to make everyone around me sad

So I hide 

put myself away

while working on the hard days

Dear Psychosis, I hide it well

Dear Psychosis,

    I hide it well... Most people would never know I have psychosis. I hide my symptoms. Lots of smiling, having normal conversation, playing games and attending different activities with friends and family. I try very hard to not be detected, trying to not stand out or be odd. Of course, there are tell-tale signs: The nervous rocking, the shifty eyes, the staring into mirrors for too long, the zoning out. I don't constantly do these things. My meds help me to be "normal". My people tell me they can see a difference in me. What is normal? I can remember when things were "normal". When I could hang out with friends and laugh and cut up without the shadows watching or the voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough. I could pay attention at church, I could listen to friends telling funny stories and not completely miss the punch line because I lost concentration. I used to have the best memory, now I can't remember things from room to room. I remember not having to work hard to just be around people. 

    My whole personality has changed. I'm not the same person. I have emotions, but sometimes they are hard to express. I'm not the same woman my husband married. I'm not the same sibling my sisters grew up with. My friends see a difference in me. I hide my symptoms because it's hard to face the truth. It's a constant battle within myself. What would people think of me? I'm not saying I don't have good days, because I definitely do. I have days where I don't see, hear, or smell things. Paranoia is always there, but some days it's less overwhelming. But I hide it. 

    Hiding can be exhausting, why can't I just be real? This disease is a part of me, isn't? Oh, the looks I would get, the things that would be said of me, the kid gloves I would be treated with. Am I caring too much about what others think? I just want my dignity. I don't want to be used in the wrong ways. Will my employer not want me working with them anymore? 

    The fact is I don't have to tell anyone if I don't want to. No one has to know what I'm going through. Hiding can be exhausting, but it can also make me feel safe. My biggest fear is that someone is going to use my disease against me, that I'll get taken advantage of or that people won't take my words as truth. "Oh that just that crazy person,' 'They are out of their mind,' 'They've been in the looney bin,' 'They aren't all with it". I hide it well because people are ridiculous sometimes. 

    I've learned to hide things and joke about some of it. When you feel like people are reading your mind, you would just be extra silly or very quiet. My symptoms are all around me so pretending they're not there can be difficult, but I'm more scared of the things people will think of me then the things I'm seeing or hearing. I know I shouldn't care about what others think of me, but the fact is I definitely do. I was raised to be the example others needed. How can I be a great example if I have so many things going on in my head? It's one reason I started this blog, because I want to be the light when someone is fighting some of the darkness that I struggle with daily. But I still hide for the most part.

Sit up straight and tall

Don't let your head hang low

Don't shift your eyes

Always make eye contact

Think good thoughts 

Don't get upset 

Be the "Good" example

Carry a conversation well

Don't zone out

Just keep Smiling you've got this...